When The Door Slams
A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin (Provers 26:28 NIV).
To make matters worse, human beings have what psychologists call "confirmation bias": Our brains latch on to information that confirms our existing beliefs. This makes us more likely to trust those who flatter us, even with ample evidence that their intentions are nefarious. We must discern between community-forming compliments and manipulative flattery. Because flattery works. It feels good when people affirm you, even when you know they don't mean it.
Centuries before modern psychology understood flattery's influence, Solomon warned his son about flattery "from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words" (Proverbs 2:16). Four more times, he warned of seductive flattery with words like these: "The lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil" (5:3; 6:24; 7:5,21).
Sexual seduction is but one form of flattery. We find flattery in every social circle. Some people may envy your position at work, power in business, powers in sport, or possessions at home. Consequently, they coddle you with compliments to get close enough to use you for their own advantages. Many want good from you, not good for you. They are not your friends. "Whoever hates disguise himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, for there are seven abominations in his heart; though his hatred be covered with deception, his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly" (26:24-26).
"The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and a man is tested by his praise" (Proverbs 27:21). Criticism can sting, but praise can cripple. It can cripple your discernment and stunt your improvement. Sometimes we flatter ourselves to justify sin we are about to commit or to soothe our battered conscience afterward. King David's warning is worth remembering: "Transgression speaks to the wicked deep in his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes. For he flatters himself in his own eyes that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated. The words of his mouth are trouble and deceit; he has ceased to act wisely and do good" (Psalm 36:1-3). Your true friends are those who tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.
Think about this: Because flattery is so effective with people, people often try it with God (to ill effect). Asaph bemoaned this fact in Psalm 78:35-36: "They remembered that God was their rock, the Most High God their redeemer. But they flattered him with their mouths; they lied to him with their tongues." Think about that. We even try to flatter God to get what we want. He isn't fooled. He says himself, "This people draw near with their mouth and honor me with their lips, while their hearts are far from me, and their fear of me is a commandment taught by men" (Isaiah 29:13).
What's shocking is that flatterers are often found in church leadership. Paul warns us about them: "Such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive" (Romans 16:18). So does Peter: "In their greed they will exploit you with false words. Their condemnation from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep" (2 Peter 2:3 ). If both Paul and Peter warned about flatterers in the church leadership, perhaps we should pay attention.
Meditation In Action: 1. When was a time you were overtaken by flattery ? 2. What are the key differences between genuine compliments and flattery? How we discern between the two? 3. Have you seen flattery used to manipulate people in various social circles--friendships, work and church? 4. What steps can we take to guard ourselves against the dangers of flattery?
Meditate on Romans 16:18; 1 Thessalonians 2:5; 2 Timothy 4:3.
Ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart and reveal any areas of unconfessed sin. Acknowledge these to the LORD and thank Him for His forgiveness.
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